Old Timmy’s Almanac 2018

It’s that time of year when I wipe the Christmas pudding from my crystal ball, stare hard into the tea leaves and look up at the stars, to bring you the predictions that will shape 2018. Old Timmy’s Almanac will guide your way through the darkness. Or not.

January

After Storm Dylan fails to deposit much needed carrots over the Northern half of the country, storm Ermintrude arrives. Six foot high cheese-drifts appear on the M25, causing traffic to flow only a little more slowly than usual.

February

Theresa May’s government wins a vote in the House of Commons to ban beard and sandal wearing by 310 votes to 13. All 12 Liberal Democrat MPs plus Caroline Lucas vote against the measure. A newly clean-shaven Jeremy Corbyn argues that his principled decision to whip Labour MPs to abstain is simply another example of him playing the long game.

March

A snap general election is called, with polling day set for Thursday 29th March. After a campaign that sees former UKIP leader Nigel Farage being defeated in his ambition to become an MP for the 8th time, he accepts a peerage. The House of Lords votes to abolish itself before he can take his seat. In the Commons no seats change hands apart from Sheffield Hallam, which is won by the independent ‘We’re really, really sorry Nick’ candidate.

April

The Daily Mail finally finds a replacement columnist for Katie Hopkins. However after only three days working for the paper her replacement, Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout, resigns. In an interview with Graham Norton, Zebedee says that he should have listened to Dylan after all.

May

Derby County win the Championship by one point, thrashing Barnsley 8-1 in their final game. Nottingham Forest finish bottom, three points adrift of Sunderland and Birmingham. The city rejoices. Owner Mel Morris immediately sacks manager Gary Rowett for not playing in ‘The Derby County Way™’ and failing to crush the hopes of their fans during the second half of the season.

June

In a surprise move, Chris Grayling, secretary of state for transport, bans all cars that are not genuine Lotus or Caterham 7s from the roads for the entire summer. Caravan owners are seen weeping at the roadside.

Lotus and Caterham 7 ownership soars

Lotus and Caterham 7 ownership soars

July

US president Donald Trump is impeached. He immediately takes to twitter to complain that he is allergic to peaches and would prefer a banana instead. A small army of Minions led by Kevin and Bob are seen leaving the White House, bananas in hand, heading in the general direction of North East Somerset.

August

Arsene Wenger is appointed manager of Derby County. The first three games of the new season are all lost, with the worst being a 7-0 thrashing at Leicester City. Arsene Wenger says that he is content, as he is simply playing the long game.

September

A newly introduced tax on disposable coffee cups is hastily rescinded when people realise that most of the taste of their favourite high street brands comes from the cardboard the cups are made from.

October

Having lost all of their games of the new Premiership season up to this point, Derby County finally get a 9-8 win at home against Manchester United. Mel Morris immediately sacks Arsene Wenger for failing to adhere to the tenets of entertainment as set out in ‘The Derby County Way™’, page 94.

November

The eagerly anticipated John Lewis Christmas advertisement is aired for the first time. In a break with tradition, it consists solely of a cute cat holding up a sign that reads “Buy more stuff”. Sales rise 150%. Marketing gurus praise its “minimalist but honest” style.

December

Theresa May’s government calls another snap general election, with polling day set for Thursday 27th December. Vince Cable adapts the John Lewis Christmas advertisement, using a camel wearing a fedora holding up a sign that reads “Vote for Vince”. Liberal Democrats win 450 seats, with the Labour party being reduced to just two – Islington North and Bolsover. In an interview with John Humphrys, Jeremy Corbyn claims that by playing the long game at this election he will be Prime Minister by Christmas.

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